Perhaps we should apologize for the jocular verse above, because when push comes to shove, it’s no laughing matter.

Weekly Playboy (Oct. 18) reports that a rather disturbing piece of news began circulating around the Web from mid-September.

Posted on an unnamed site was an article that read: “A high school boy was found dead in his room, bare from the waist down. According to an examination performed on his body at Miyagi Prefectural Hospital, earlier that day he had masturbated several dozen times. The cause of death was determined to be over secretion of sex hormones.”

But a spokesman for the government department that oversees hospitals in the prefecture denied the story.

“We have no record of any case of sudden death due to self-abuse. And moreover, there is no such hospital as so named in the article.”

Whew, that’s a relief, said the reporter. But. But. But. . . Then he shot off an inquiry to Dr. Masahiko Ueno, the former chief medical examiner of Tokyo, who says such things do happen, and a lot more often than some might expect.

“Yes,” nods Doc Ueno, “I used to see cases of death from masturbation all the time. It’s most common among men in their 30s and 40s and women in their 50s and 60s.”

Ueno says about 200 such cases pop up each year nationwide, with 20 to 30 in Tokyo’s 23 central wards alone.

But how can such an innocent and pleasurable activity lead to such a disastrous outcome, the reporter wonders.

“The moment of ejaculation is equivalent to heavy exercise, in terms of the load on the cardiopulmonary system,” says Ueno. “Blood pressure also soars rapidly, which can bring on cardiac arrest or stroke. So the fatalities are comparatively numerous among people who suffer from such conditions.”

Ueno relates what he saw at the scene of the crime.

“I was summoned by headquarters and went to the scene. A man was seated on a sofa, with his lower body exposed. There was no evidence of break in, but we observed soiled tissue paper and porno magazines scattered about on the floor. It was a cut and dried case of death by self-abuse.”

Ueno went on to say he has also seen cases when the fatality was due to autoerotic asphyxiation, caused by a rope or other object around the throat. Such cases may even be on the increase.

“The police once called me to look at a dead woman. They had become suspicious because her underwear was inside out. During the autopsy we found a sausage in her vagina. Other times we’ve found cucumbers or pickles up there.”

Ueno supposes that as more outsourced workers miss out on getting regular annual physical checkups at work, they are less likely to be aware of some worsening medical condition. And also with so many porno videos available free online, the environment has become more receptive to masturbation.

The unnamed head of an ED clinic in Tokyo urges caution. “More people seem to be masturbating without using their hands, by rubbing against their bedding, or the wall. If they seek too much stimulation, it can overload their cardiopulmonary system, and raise the risk of death.” (K.S.)

Source: “Maji? Gase? Netto-kai ga sozen to natta ‘onanie shi, nenkan nihyakken wa honto datta!!” Weekly Playboy (October 18, page 166)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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“After the story concerning sumo wrestlers and baseball betting broke, three illegal gambling operations in Kabukicho were raided,” explains one illegal casino operator. “They included an a gaming room, an Internet operation and poker game shop. I am very worried about a raid on my place.”

What’s going on?

“Normally there are two patterns for the raids,” explains a member of the National Police Agency, who refused to be named. “The first case is when customers or others in the industry report an illegal operation. The second occurs when higher-ups order the police to raid a particular place.

“If it’s a customer or person in the industry leaking information, then the raid will be only place shop,” the source continues. “However, if (Tokyo Gov. Shintaro) Ishihara announces that he wants to pursue the establishment of a legal casino in Tokyo, for example, multiple places will be raided.”

The representative of the police adds that the Japan Racing Association may also request the busting of operations offering illegal, off-track satellite wagering. The crackdown then on the three Kabukicho parlors is unprecedented, the source says.

Customers are feeling the backlash.

“At poker clubs in Kabukicho, it used to be that players could start out up 500,000 yen and then if they continued they might go down one million yen,” explains an owner of a kyabakura chain who enjoys betting on poker machines. “Now, you can burn through two or three million yen from the start and not see one royal flush or a four of a kind.”

The owner of a fuzoku club likes baccarat. “Before, it would be 50-50, win or lose,” the source says. “Not knowing whether one will win or lose is the is the fun of gambling, and the customer would keep playing. But now, it’s all losing.”

An underground casino manager says that everyone is being targeted. “We don’t know which place will be raided next,” the owner explains. ” So the owners of the clubs want to earn as much as possible now. As a result, the regulars lose all the time. I feel bad for them. But I have to do it. I can’t go against upper management.” (A.T)

Source: “Ura kajino jyankii tachi ga rensen renpai no naze?” Weekly Playboy (July 26, page 10)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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3. Tour buses make special stops in Tokyo red-light district

It’s bad enough to be turned away from play for pay, but to make matters worse, reports Weekly Playboy (June 28), it seems that through a flaw in Winnie, a notorious file-sharing program, the customer blacklist for a famous sex shop in Nagoya was leaked onto the Internet.

Along with the customer names were details of what they had done to wear out their welcomes. “He repeatedly blew air into the girl’s vagina and then pushed down on her stomach,” read one. “He bites girls’ genitals,” read another.

“Shops will typically draw up a blacklist to protect their girls from problem customers,” “pink” journalist Mitsuru Hayakawa tells the magazine. “Especially since intercourse is a violation of the law regulating public morals, the management has no choice but to shield the girls to discourage them from reporting such activities to the police. So naturally one thing that will get a customer blacklisted is to insist on intercourse.”

Customers can also get in trouble for reserving a girl and then not showing up.

Weekly Playboy, however, seems most interested in customers who are banned from the premises through activities that the girls simply can’t stomach.

“I used my entire 60 minutes of allotted time for anus-licking, but the girl was disgusted and reported it to the manager, so I’ve been banned from the shop,” says a man identified as Mr. A.

A woman employed at a soapland (erotic bathhouse) in Tokyo’s Yoshiwara district, meanwhile, tells the magazine there is one customer who is just “too sexually powerful” for his own good.

“He can achieve three orgasms in a short duration,” she winces. “He’s become notorious among the girls in Yoshiwara.”

Nevertheless Weekly Playboy points out that something detested by one girl might actually be enjoyed by another.

“As long as there’s no permanent damage, I’m willing to go along with almost anything,” one girl informs the reporter. “One customer even begged me to scribble graffiti on his face. It seems a classmate did that to him when he was in high school, and he got tremendously turned on.”

Hayakawa advises readers how to avoid getting on a shop’s blacklist.

“It’s important to explain what you want to the shop beforehand. They don’t like nasty surprises. But sometimes, once she knows what’s on your mind the girl will be more than willing to go along.” (K.S.)

Source: “Kimi wa daijobu ka? Burakurisuto ryushutsu de wakatta fuzokuten ’shukkin’ wo maneku hentai purei,” Weekly Playboy (June 28, page 178)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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Since high school she had dreamed of becoming a physician, and after achieving a high score on the entrance examination was admitted to a medical school.

Unfortunately, reports Weekly Playboy (May 3), her tuition is damn high.

“Most of the students are from affluent families, but recently even some of them are in arrears of their tuition,” she says. “I have a friend who dropped out and began training as a emergency rescue worker.”

Ayano tells the magazine she has three siblings in school and for various reasons is responsible both for her own livelihood and university tuition. She first tried working as a waitress in a café where her monthly take-home pay was 160,000 yen. Then she found a job in a cabaret club where payment was 5,000 yen an hour.

“But it was rough working by night and taking classes by day,” she says.

And when her parents found out about it they put pressure on her to quit. Little did they know what she found next…

“So I looked for a part-time job that would bring in big money that I could also conceal from my parents,” she says. “At first I felt scruples against working in the sex industry, and wept in despair, thinking, ‘My life has hit rock bottom.’

“But then I rationalized to myself, that ‘I’m doing it to become a doctor,’ and so I created another personality for myself who’s doing this work.”

Shedding her last articles of clothing in front of a customer, stretched out supine on the massage table, initially took courage.

“It may be rude of me to say this,” she says, “but in my mind my customers became like the cadavers on which we perform autopsies in anatomy classes. I feel completely indifferent toward them. You learn to overcome your feelings of repulsion toward a dead body — it’s the same way with a customer at the shop.”

So far the hardest thing on Ayano has been the urge for sweets created by stress from the job, which she says caused her to put on seven kilograms in just three months.

It’s ironic that she is studying to become a doctor to heal the sick and has become sick in a sense of binging on sweets. But she plans to keep her part-time job until graduation from med school.

“Unlike northern Europe, where education is free, a medical student in this country has to work like crazy,” she sighs. “For a girl from a salaried worker’s family, this is the only way to make it happen.” (K.S.)

Source: “Watashitachi, iryo hokai de fuzokujo ni narimashita,” Weekly Playboy (May 3, page 162)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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Certainly many publications appeal to real jerks, but Dynamite was about to stake claim as the world’s first magazine to incorporate its own onna hooru (synthetic vagina) and allow readers to peruse the lurid contents hands-on, so to speak.

The reason for the delay, reports Weekly Playboy (March 8), was that the entire consignment of 50,000 went up in smoke when a fire erupted in the factory in China’s Fujian Province.

Fujian is pronounced “Fukken” in Japanese; but rather than invoking this particular geographic pun, Weekly Playboy chose to put a more lowbrow spin on its headline by writing “５マンコ. . . が大炎上!!” (5 c**ts in huge conflagration). It seems that while “fifty thousand pieces” is pronounced goman ko, the male ear is wont to automatically alter the intonation to go manko — making for an entirely different nuance.

Could this blaze, WP asks tongue in cheek, have been an insidious act of sexual sabotage to put a damper on the libidos of tens of thousands of Japanese males?

“No,” came the deadpan reply. “The fire was caused when machinery in the factory overheated.”

And unfortunately as the synthetic vaginas were composed of high-grade silicone, they proved particularly vulnerable.

So distressed was a gent involved in the venture that he tells the magazine that he’s suffered from constant diarrhea since the January 14 disaster.

“The people at the factory were also distraught,” he adds. “But I heard they’re working on development of a new vagina modeled after Zhang Xiaoyu, who’s one of China’s most famous nude models. Oh man, if we can pull this one off…,” he says, rolling his eyes in anticipation of a flood of new orders.

The next issue of Dynamite is due on the stands April 15. Instead of a synthetic vagina, its readers will have to be content with a free container of skin lubricant.

What a pity this ambitious project flopped, Playboy sighs, sticking in yet another pun. It purposely alters 沈没 chinbotsu, meaning “sink” to “チン没,” which in this context could be loosely translated as “penis not used.” (K.S.)

Source: “Chugoku Fukken-sho de 5 manko no ona hooru ga daienjo!” Weekly Playboy (Mar. 8, page 169)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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At the end of January, the Australian Classification Board (ACB) reached a decision to prohibit the use of actresses with breasts registering less than an A-cup.

Even women over the age of 18 are subject to the regulations. As a result of this new requirement, a number of works featuring small-breasted women have been disappearing from store shelves.

The reason for this tragedy — as Weekly Playboy deems the situation — is an expansion in the definition of child pornography. Australia designates adult movies and pieces featuring individuals under 18 years of age to be categorized as illegal. The committee, however, went one step further and proposed a guideline whereby contents in which “those who appear to be younger than 18 will also be banned.”

Once rejected by the rating committee, the work cannot be sold via official channels.

Obviously, this is causing a huge stir on the Internet. “I want small breasts,” says one Australian commenter. “Those with implants are monsters.” Another adds, “The ban will cause us to criminalize freedom of expression.” Another Australian wonders if this will now necessitate plastic surgeries.

The ACB also banned scenes showing female ejaculation, reasoning that it looks too fake. If such content is found in a film, an investigation will commence.

The weekly tabloid then wonders if these actions will have an effect on the Japanese porn industry.

“It is possible that a actions could be made to expand further into the U.S.,” says an employee of a large porn company. “Nonetheless, Asian girls look younger and have smaller breast sizes compared those in the West. That means, those who cannot access certain films will likely turn to Japan and its films. This could be a good opportunity.”

Weekly Playboy, doesn’t stop there. As if to summon a defense of the nation’s talent, the tabloid includes a spread of big-busted AV babes a few pages later — including Mika Kayama and her 90-cm chest, Shoko Akiyama (88 cm) and AV “queen” Saori Hara, checking in at a more than respectable 85 cm. (K.N.)

Source: “Australia de hinnyu AV kinshirei. Areru fan to Nihon no kawazanyou,” Weekly Playboy (Feb. 22, page 171)

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

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